Discover

I always wanted to choose a "word of the year." I may have before, but they never meant much or stuck, really. This year, I was determined.

I was at my parents house over Christmas break and had been mulling over this concept. I'd been praying about it and asking God to put a word on my heart. And He did. 

Discover.

I pondered the word. I thought, Discover, really? Not peace, joy, patience...love? Something that would take a little grit and hard work, some sweat and tears for good measure? 

Nope, "discover."

While I learn of God's personality constantly, I always default to Him being serious, stoic, not fun and passionate. Isn't it sad? I forget that God is a God of creativity, excitement, and discovery!

So, when I really knew this was my word for the year, I got excited! I'd focus on discovery. I knew I wanted that to mean reading scripture more. I knew I wanted that to mean diving into who God is, who I am, and what He has for me to do here on Earth. 

Well, let me pause to tell you that I have not been good at my Bible reading plan...so that is there. Anybody want to give me a kick in the pants? I need it. But I have gotten into different parts of God's Word and that has been fun. :)

I, however, did not know the full capacity of what "discover" would mean this year. 

Let me give you a little history before I get to the now part of this. In the last year, my job description has changed 7 times. 

1) Graduated college, remained a student worker (working business hours) at Faith Radio through the summer. (May, 2018)

2) Officially got the job I'd been doing as a student (Producer of Connecting Faith), learned it in a full capacity and picked up other responsibilities. (August, 2018)

3) Applied and got the full time Faith Radio Mornings producer role, continued producing Connecting Faith as well. (October, 2018)

4) Everyone's roles changed, and I became a general producer. I picked up what others couldn't (projects, mostly) and worked on the production team. (February, 2019)

5) My position at the station was eliminated due to budget cuts, so I was let go. (May, 2019)

6) Started working at Lifecafe in Lifetime Fitness. (June, 2019)

7) Started working as the Production Coordinator for Story Front Pictures. (June, 2019)

I'm sure it is pretty normal to go through a lot of job transitions in the first few years after college. I am thankful to have been blessed with the best of workplaces, and the best coworkers. 

In college, it was my dream to work "upstairs" (Faith Radio & KTIS - Northwestern Media - are upstairs in the building I did my schooling in). A lot of people would work there as students, but hope to move on. Many people had other stations as their "dream" station. Not me, Northwestern Media was the goal. 

So you can imagine my joy (and pride, to be honest) when I got my dream job right out of the gate. I worked my tale off in college, finished in three years, and worked my way into Faith Radio while I was still in school. 

While I was finishing up my senior year, I was nervous that there wouldn't be a place for me at Faith Radio, or that I wouldn't get the job. Sure enough, the job I'd been helping with opened up as I was about to graduate. It was perfect timing! 

I quickly went from part-time to full-time. I was producing the morning show, which is a great position and something I loved doing. During this time, I was quite busy and had a big workload. I would frequently work overtime, but I also enjoyed what I was doing. 

Three months later, big transitions happened for the entire staff. I was taken off the morning show because they went from two producers per show to one. This is where it really began to sting. 

I'd gotten a dream job. I loved doing it (even though it meant waking up at 4:50 a.m.) and I thought I was doing a good job. I understood why the change had to happen, and why the other producer got the show (experience and connections with guests). I understood, but it hurt. 

I found myself working a desk job, pouring over sheets of paper for days on end looking for patterns. Ick. Not what I was designed for. My pride was wounded. I had experienced this dream job and it was amazing! People would ask what I did and I would say, "I produce a morning show." - it just felt good to say. I was successful. And now I was picking up the loose ends. I was sitting at a desk all day. I was doing the job that most people do fresh out of college...but it felt like a demotion. 

I kept with it, though. There were days when I would dream of other jobs - all the "what if"s and ideas. But I had a steady income and I was still in my dream workplace. 

I had a hard time reconciling this new reality, but I was coming to terms with it, learning new skills, and keeping in mind that this could still lead back to an ideal job in the future. 

Then, my boss asked to set up a meeting with me the next day. I set the time, and pondered what it could be about - he hadn't specified. It seemed vague, and a little concerning. 

That night I wracked my brain with Aaron. "Did I do something wrong? Maybe he wants to give me a new project? ...But what if I lose my job?"

I had considered the possibility. We were closing on a townhouse the next week, and I'd just told my boss I'd need that day off. 

The next morning, I walked toward my boss's office. the door was closed, but I peaked through the glass to see if I should come in. I saw that the HR woman was in his office, and I knew. Even though I'd considered it, I got a pit in my stomach. 

The meeting went as any of this type would. They were both very kind to me and explained everything I'd need to know. I thought I would be all cool and collected in a situation like that, but I definitely came away rattled. 

I called Aaron in tears - half because I was scared and half because I was devastated to leave the workplace I loved. He assured me that we would be okay...and we were. 

We prayed that week. I mean, we pray usually, but we PRAYED. Should we go through with the townhouse? Should we wait? 

We called our loan lender and told them the situation. They were so sweet and worked with us diligently to change the paperwork. Everything worked out and there was peace with it. 

Then we got a puppy. Haha! Good timing, huh? She can be stressful sometimes (like last night...whining all. night. long.), but I think we have laughed and smiled more since having her. She's cute and funny and we love her. :) 

Discover, eh? 

I felt like a senior in high school all over again. You need to do something...so, what? What will you do? 

You want to know the raw, gritty thoughts I had when I let my graceful "Christian filters" down? Here they are: 

I worked my tale off through college - sometimes at the detriment of my own health, graduated in three years, got the dream job, and worked my butt of there. I did it. I followed the rules. I did everything right... and here I am, one year out, washed up. 

Maybe I shouldn't have gone to college...did I really know what I wanted to do? Maybe I shouldn't have cared about graduating so soon. Maybe I shouldn't have cared about good grades, and should've had fun instead. Maybe I should've followed one of my whims because I took the serious path and look how that turned out. 

So, yes. I was a little angry. But you know what was weird about it? I genuinely understood the situation for everyone. I wasn't angry at anyone...it wasn't a bad goodbye. It was peaceful and loving and kind, and I did feel that way. I was sad. And I was angry at "the system," I guess. 

I got down to it and started job searching. I searched in media, out of media, part-time, full-time. I applied to at least a dozen jobs. I got one interview that I was SO excited for. I felt like I did well, but someone else did better. I considered going back to a shorter school program to learn something else, something I might like better. 

All the emotions hit at different times, friend, but it truly is okay to mourn a job. 

I had the opportunity to go to Boston and New York with a friend the week after I was officially done at Faith Radio (and she had just graduated). It was a great opportunity to travel more independently, discover some history, and enjoy a little freedom. I love to travel, so it was perfect timing for me! 

The week that I got back from my trip, I called a few of the places I had applied to but hadn't heard back from. A few places had filled their positions already. 

I called Lifetime Fitness to ask about the front desk job I had applied to. The employee I spoke with was so excited that I had called to check up on it. He didn't have an opening for the front desk, but they had one in the cafe. Soon after, I interviewed and got the job there.

Meanwhile, I emailed in follow-up to a freelance film opportunity with Story Front Pictures. They ended up meeting with me and hiring me around the same time as Lifetime. The two jobs work well simultaneously as neither is full-time. 

Let me tell you: I am SO excited about what this year holds! It has been a crazy few months in transition to these new jobs, and summer is always busy. This change has opened up the opportunity to branch out in media, have flexible schedules, travel (!!! - writing this from Chicago right now!), and spend more time with family (will be watching Kate's little baby when he's here!). 

God is a "go big or go home" kind of guy. When He speaks, things literally come into existence. When He moves in someone's life, there is no guessing game - it's obvious. 

The way that I have related to God in the last few years has been different than it was when I was a teenager. I've had times where I felt sad about that, or worried that I'd lost my passion or that I wasn't being pious enough. But throughout, I've known that my faith is solid and the truth of God is something I just know deep inside...there is no denying it. Faith just moves and grows and it's a living thing - sometimes it feels prevalent and passionate and sometimes it feels... different. Sometimes it is the peaceful, steadfast knowing.

This year has been something new. This year, God has surprised me with joy in discovery. It strikes me as so fully me to enjoy and discover and to have a sparkle in my eye and be excited about life. There is something beautiful in knowing that God knows that - not only that, God created that in me. He delights in my joy. 

Life doesn't have to be boring or typical or fit into "the system" that works for the majority of people. I am glad for my experiences and I don't mean to poo-poo the way that I got to where I am. But I am praising God and rejoicing in His plan to break me out of the prideful little dream-job box that I kept myself in. 

So, friends, remember to discover today. God has a whole lot out there for YOU (whatever that may mean). Talk to Him about it. Don't be afraid of the "what if"s and pit-in-your-stomach moments. Dive in.

Discover.